No "Currents?" No Wonder

Two things: one - for some reason while I was putting a title on this, it decided I was trying to hit publish. Sorry if you got an incomplete post. And two: I just sent this letter to the Inquirer, but felt it fit here. It's certainly a peeve!
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The fact that "Currents" section was left out of the paper on the Sunday after Thanksgiving "due to the holiday" just proves that the Philadelphia Inquirer has lost its focus. This used to be a real newspaper - but now the Inquirer proudly touts itself as a coupon holder. What is a newspaper without an editorial section, anyway? Just more junk for the recycling bin. I'm going to try and find a paper with actual content to subscribe to - if anyone actually publishes such a thing anymore. Or maybe I'll just read The New York Times online.
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That's it - 'm out.

Crossing the Ma'am Line

I went out to lunch with some friends recently. Our waiter was a very bright young thing -- the kind of girl who obviously has a clue. However, there was one thing she was way clueless about: the effect of the word "ma'am" on women of a certain age.

I think it must be similar to the effect of cold water on a penis. Just guessing on that front, but I can assure you there's a certain degree of deflation when someone "ma'am"s you. Getting "ma'am"ed is a little like being punched in the gut. It is definitely an act of violence - even if it is perpetrated by the meekest little servo-bot.

Note to reader (hey mom): as you may remember, I started going gray in my 20s and and didn't bother to start coloring my hair until I was in my 40s, so it may have started especially early for me. Which may explain why it was such a shock in the beginning - but does not explain why it continues to be so disturbing.

I remember when I started to get "ma'am"ed on a regular basis. At first it is just plain disorienting. You look behind you for the old lady. Then you realize you ARE the old lady. And you want to slap the little freak who has dared to "ma'am" you. Then you realize that it is the polite ones who do this, out of some misguided wish to show respect or get a tip.

Which, in my case anyway, just inspires me to try and educate them. One Acme cashier - a gangly youth of 19 or so - upon being congratulated for NOT calling me "ma'am" (he "missed" me - what a sweetie, huh? Gotta reward good behavior...), explained that he calls women who are accompanied by men "ma'am" in recognition of their probable marital status. I didn't have a man in tow that day, hence I didn't get the "ma'am" treatment from him. What a little scholar, eh?

But how many of the rug rats calling me ma'am are thinking about my marital status? More likely, they are subconsciously responding to my crone-hood - albeit prematurely. Actually - to put it as bluntly as it can be said - they are calling me emminently unf*ckable. "You are way past your prime, lady," they're insinuating. "If you're not already in the gene pool, you never will be," they snort. "Do you really need that air you're breathing?" they ask.

Ok, maybe it's not that bad. But as my friends and I explained to the bright young thing who waited on us at lunch, the effect is not pleasant. "One day you'll understand," we told her. "But in the meantime - find something else to call those female customers you've been "ma'am"ing."

'm out.

Litmus Test. Or: Paternalism and politics

So, I realized a while ago that I am a single issue voter. Or that I have an issue that is a total deal-breaker. (I realized it when John McCain decided he needed the social conservative base enough to make Sarah Palin his running-mate.)

Here it is: I can never vote for someone who thinks abortion should be illegal.

The bottom bottom line on that for me is that that person values potential life more than ACTUAL FEMALE LIFE. As an actual living female, that is deeply offensive to me. Did I say deeply? I meant massively, humungously, a gaping chasm, an abyss filled with o-fecking-fense.

Here's what I hear when some one says they think Roe v. Wade should be overturned: "You are not competent to make decisions for yourself." Or, "there, there, sweetheart - we'll tell you what to think, feel, and do, and you'll be so much happier and better off. Or not - but we don't really care."

To be entirely honest, blunt even: I think there are enough people on this earth. And while I think babies are cute and agree that children are our future (duh), I can't say that I think anyone can decide whether any specific person needs to grow any specific cluster o'cells into a human. Including me. And including you.

At first I felt shallow and possibly lazy when I realized how this one issue colored all my voting decisions. Was I just taking a shortcut? Pro-choice = good; pro-life (hello? you better be against the death penalty, too, if you insist on that sobriquet!) = bad. Put the candidate in a neat little box, and I don't have to think about it any more.

But I've decided that what pro-choice means to me is that the candidate respects me, feels I can make rational decisions about my life, and thinks that I am worth more than a cell cluster. Since I agree, that makes it much easier for me to feel comfortable with voting for him or her.

So for me, it's paternalism=bad; respect=good. And that's my litmus test.

Capice?

'm out.

How Racism Works

I got this email recently; found it thought-provoking. The thoughts it provoked for me follow the text of the email, below.

What if John McCain were a former president of the Harvard Law Review? What if Barack Obama finished fifth from the bottom of his graduating class?

What if McCain were still married to the first woman he said "I do" to? What if Obama were the candidate who left his first wife after she no longer measured up to his standards?

What if Michelle Obama were a wife who not only became addicted to pain killers, but acquired them illegally through her charitable organization? What if Cindy McCain graduated from Harvard?

What if Obama were a member of the Keating-5? What if McCain were a charismatic, eloquent speaker?

If these questions reflected reality, do you really believe the election numbers would be as close as they are?

This is what racism does. It covers up, rationalizes and minimizes positive qualities in one candidate and emphasizes negative qualities in another when there is a color difference.

You are The Boss (Bruce Springsteen? moi? oh, sorry - couldn't resist)... which team would you hire?

Keep in mind: the job description includes America facing historic debt, 2 wars, stumbling health care, a weakened dollar, all-time high prison population, mortgage crises, bank foreclosures, etc.

Educational Background:

Obama:
Columbia University - B.A. Political Science with a Specialization in International Relations.
Harvard - Juris Doctor (J.D.) Magna Cum Laude

Biden:
University of Delaware - B.A. in History and B.A. in Political Science.
Syracuse University College of Law - Juris Doctor (J.D.)

vs.

McCain: United States Naval Academy - Class rank: 894 of 899

Palin: Hawaii Pacific University - 1 semester North Idaho College - 2 semesters - general study University of Idaho - 2 semesters - journalism Matanuska-Susitna College - 1 semester University of Idaho - 3 semesters - B.A. in Journalism

Now, which team are you going to hire?

PS: What if Barack Obama had an unwed, pregnant teenage daughter?

Note from Lisa: while I agree with the "racism distorts reality" theorem presented here, I think this argument errs on the side of logic. In that it's too logical.

Americans don't vote for the president who is most qualified - or perhaps I should say Americans don't necessarily believe that education qualifies you for anything. And maybe they're right. I mean, Hello? George W? Didn't he go to Yale & Harvard Business? And graduate, even?

We vote for some one we wouldn't mind hanging out with. Regular idiots like ourselves who don't seem to have a clue about foreign affairs or economics or anything except that ol' red herring, "values." Remember, these people will be on television regularly. That means they will be in our homes.

Are they going to remind us of some stuffed shirt smarty pants professor who thinks s/he knows so much more than we do, or Crazy Uncle Leo who does that thing with the empty beer bottles after he's had a few? Who is more fun? That's clearly the criteria to apply here.

Apparently it is also important that they know how to govern by slogan. Keep it simple, please - we don't want to think too much. Call it something we can believe in, like "Patriot Act" and "Pre-emptive strike" and "WMDs" and "activist judges" and oh god I think I threw up in my mouth just a little bit.

America, I hope you are scared enough right now to want some one who is smarter than you in the White House. I guess that's the best I can hope for.

'm out.

Crowd Control

So I went to see Liz Phair's Exile in Guyville rewind the other night. What a great concert - always loved Liz Phair, her attitude, her stripped down and right on rhythms. The show was at the TLA in Philadelphia and it was packed. Must have been sold out. (I actually won the tickets from yrockonxpn.org - I get pretty lucky there in the afternoons.)

Anyway, I took a friend of mine, and it was a standing room only kind of gig, and we were standing there - about 8 rows of people back from the stage, which was cool. Then this really tall guy stepped between me and Liz. So me and the 3 other people between me and the tall guy shifted to the left so we could still see. (I would digress here about why do the tall people go in front, but my SO is 6'4" and we always went up front, so I guess that's karma or whatever.)

Well, it quickly became apparent to me that I was totally hemmed in. There was a fuzzy head right in front of me, and someone poking me in the back every time either one of us moved. Fuzzy head had no where to go, I could see that. And the back person turned out to be a couple. A young guy who was "protecting" his wife, by shoving her into my back. Nice.

So I have two systems, that kind of overlap, for dealing with this kind of thing. There's glance, comment, argue and polite, nasty, manager. Both of them are about starting with the assumption that you're dealing with reasonable people and that they will be smart enough to pick up on your more subtle hints. So I started just glancing over my shoulder like - hey! Do you see me here? Nothing.

Then mr. chivalry tells me that I'm bumping into his wife (who he is holding stationary). And I explain to him about tall guy, and how everybody shifted, and how that's what you do in a crowd - you adjust. And he says, that's what needs to happen here (obviously meaning that I should move) and I say, exactly (meaning get the fuck off me, asshole!). And his poor wife makes a "let's not fight" noise and I decide to let it go - as much as I can. Because I am still squished between this guy's wife and fuzzy head, with nowhere to go in either direction.

So I take a deep breath, dig in my heels, and take up as much goddamn space as I can. And I focus on the show, and I try to feel sorry for mr. & mrs. chivalry. And I think about how crowds move, and how life moves, and how trying to stay stationary often leaves you fighting battles and making yourself and other people miserable for no good reason.

'm out.

I can never choose (letting go)

Ok, now I'm repurposing content. But I think it's OK. I posted this on the message board at WXPN, my all-time favorite radio station in the world. Actually, I listen to their sister station, yrock, nearly all the time.

Anyway, they are having an XPN Essentials contest. They do this 885 (their frequency, natch) countdown every fall, and that's the theme this year. I have been listening to this public, alternative music, station since 19ahem. That's 20 years! (Damn I'm old.) Of course what we love about them is the variety, being introduced to new music and reminded of old favorites (so-called "heritage" artists").

So coming up with this list was kicking my ass. Everytime I heard a promo, it would set me off again. What artist? What song? The universe was too broad...it was driving me nutz!

So here's what I did (this is what I posted on their message board):

I thought long and hard about this - and long and hard again. Like another poster said, it was a little like Calculus. In the end, I ended up doing a tribute to the Women's Music Hour, the fact that when I started listening the morning show featured two women (what ever happened to Flash Rosenberg?) and the station's great female djs like Michaela Majoun and commitment to finding & supporting woman artists.

So I put 10 female artists' names in the 10 spots: kd lang, Erykah Badu, Angelique Kidjo, Happy Rhodes, Beth Orton, Jonatha Brooke, Aimee Mann, Toni Childs, Lucinda Williams & Joni Mitchell, and then picked songs for each one - Big Bone Gal, On & On, Voodoo Child, Feed the Fire, Central Reservation, Secrets & Lies, You Could Make a Killing, Why, Get Right with God and Twisted (oops - shoulda picked Coyote).

That was pretty random. I could have included Ani DiFranco (Joyful Girl) and Suzanne Vega (99.9 F), and PJ Harvey and damn, I forgot Emmylou Harris and Alison Krouse and Loreena McKennitt and Sam Phillips and Patti Smith (crap!) oh well. What can you do.

I could have done four more lists: a singer/songwriter list, a Land of the Lost (new wave) list, a Blues Show list, a Sleepy Hollow (quiet Sunday morning) list (Jevetta Steel!). I would have included Richard Thompson (anything from Rumor & Sigh), Leonard Cohen (Hallelujah - even considered a Hallelujah list - Leonard and Jeff Buckley and kd and Rufus Wainright - but could only come up with those 4), the B-52s, Bongwater (Talent is a Vampire), Wilco, Ruth Brown, Johnny Lang, Keb' Mo, The Violent Femmes (You'll Dance to Anything - so true!) oh for heaven's sake!

But thank god - I've submitted my list and now I can relax and wait for the big reveal. I swear, I'm done thinking about this!

Well, I hope I'm done thinking about this! I have to admit that obsession is the character defect that keeps me up at night. So for god's sake, I've hit the big submit button - it's over, there's no turning back! So now I can move on...to whatever my next obsession turns out to be!

'm out!

Wish I Could Spell

Well, I hope you bookmarked this blog, because the other day I went to visit and ended up at another blog. Some guy bitching about shoes. Really! A straight guy! Swear!

Turns out MY letstalkaboutheweather is one t short of the letters contained in Let's Talk About the Weather, as my fellow blogger could probably tell you. So - what to do? Cut and run? Cut and paste? Fish or cut bait? Well, for now I guess I'll stay. I'm a big one for the path of least resistance, and I already picked out my colors and told my friends and everything!

So remember - only one t between "about" and "the" in the URL. A little sharing never hurt anyone.

'm out

Even Better - Not!

So my first blog post was supposed to be about how hard it can be to get useful weather info - hence the name - but this email from Dannon really got my goat. So woot, Dannon - congrats on your beknighted customer service efforts making the cut. Backstory: Dannon has decided to ADD 20 calories to their "Light & Fit" Yogurt, making it just a little less "light" and me just a little bit less "fit." I wrote to let them know I was disappointed - this is the claptrap they responded with:

Thank you for taking the time to contact The Dannon Company about our recent improvements (says you) to the Light & Fit products. Comments from consumers are very important to us and we certainly appreciate yours (blah blah blah).

We have taken our great tasting (if we do say so ourselves) Light & Fit and made it even better (in the fattening you up department). Light & Fit has a new texture and sweetener blend to provide an even better (hard to believe, we know!) tasting product preferred by our consumers (well, the ones in our focus groups - not you, obviously) than our previous formula (is it just me, or does this sentence just not scan?).

Light & Fit is the only leading light nonfat yogurt with 80 calories per 6 oz. cup compared to 100 calories for other leading Light nonfat yogurts. (Of course it used to be the only "leading" light nonfat yogurt with 60 calories per 6 oz. cup...just sayin') At Dannon, we take great care to ensure that the highest standards are met in everything we do. In our products, packaging, marketing and advertising, we strive for excellence (in our customer service emails, not so much).

When a valued consumer like you takes the time to contact us, we take it seriously. Please be assured your comments will be shared with the appropriate individuals (that would be my friends in the department who will sympathize when I roll my eyes at your whining). I know they will find your remarks interesting (in much the way monthly reports and traffic jams are interesting), and will consider them carefully as we work toward continuous improvement in all areas.

As always, we appreciate your interest in our products (so please keep buying them!) and are always available to answer any questions or concerns that you have (with ridiculously overwritten bs like this). If you have any additional questions or concerns, please do not hesitate to call our toll-free number 1-877-DANNON-US (1-877-326-6668), Monday through Friday, 9 A.M. to 6 P.M. Eastern Time.

Why oh why can't companies say things like: Hey, sorry you're disappointed! But a lot of people like our new formula - you should check it out and maybe you'll like it too. We certainly hope that's the case, because we like having customers. Even the ones that bitch when we change things, because hey, they spend money, too. Ok, not the last part. But the rest of it would be I don't know - almost human!

And yeah - what about a coupon? Not that a dollar off would change my mind, but as a conciliatory gesture, it would be something, wouldn't it?

'm out.